Monday, August 14, 2006 ;
9:34 PM
lmao, tomorrow i am going to tell her straight in the face that i am giving up...i dont want to carry on anymore, i feel very lost and i feel that i must protect my rights also, cant be going around saving and being there for someone when i cant even handle my self...
seemingly improved in typing, can type without looking at the keyboard, but still make some mistakes, and it is harder to type when your eyes are afk...
just to reflect, i did say that i wouldnt like someone because of her looks, but this time i go back on my word...also, when we arrange to talk, she would be late, and i hate that, because it spoils all the meaning, and i will be left fuming all over again...moreover, she is taking a low profile, and i hate to hide stuff from people, that is soething cannot condone...i cant be there for her all the time, and everything just hurts for me...so unfair to me...also, if the relationship goes on, i cannot have freedom of expression on my blogs! she has censored some of my entries, forcing me to delete sections where applicable to her, ONLY! and what the hell, and i say literally, oh shit, why in the F**king world are you medelling with my blog? my freaking blog is for me and i reserve the rights, in fact, all the bloody rights for myself...
not to be harsh though, but i feel that i have no god damn space...
well, dear blog, thats how i curse, cuss, swear when i get, what they call, pissed...
perhaps i should start treating my blog like another person, because i feel better ouring my heart out to you.
so well, i am giving up, not that i dont care any more, but i want my freedom again, and i wanna move on, i just hate to have the rights taken off me...knowing all these, she will take my name off her blog list, and i wont be able to enter again, knowing her, she will defend the name: krelian, where i hae deleted, and i wish to put up again:
i am krelian! seraphim of the high heavens, defender and protector...
i want to fly high in the skys, or just flow down the river that's life...i wanna move on, i dont want to stay with a place which has rejected me once...i want to move on...and concentrate on the here and now...
i regret, because this will seem like i am not taking responsibility...she goes counselling, because she has a proble, - sucide...she asked me once whether she should take sleeping pills, and how many it would take to kill someone, thats when i knew things werent good, and i chipped in, and i got myself into such a state, and i feel that all these has all gone horribly wrong...of course those were censored too, so much for freedom of speech...
she said she liked me after i consoled her and made her think otherwise about the sleeping pills thingy...
there is a book, called an enemy of the people, which i do for literature...i feel like i am somewhat related to the book now...no freedom of speech and the likes, and i feel very bad about it, and i hate it all! i have been censored, and marred, and made to keep a low profile...
she goes for counselling......shouldnt that be reserved for the worst of cases? anyway, she was referred by a teacher...and well, i just have to say, i disagree with it all...just so freaking mad...
i am going to remove my tagboard real soon, no comments will flood there for some time again, i know she will flood it, with all the criticism and i would hate myself...
to all who still trust me: i am not irresponsible...i waited 1 year, infact, i gave up trying to tell her my true feelings last year...and i feel it pointless to carry on...afterall, puppy love lasts short...hate to leave it, but you feel way better after you leave...
to samantha, take care...i dont know how you will have to cope, maybe she will go caustic and go back to her old self again. i have done what i can to make her happy, and i know, i am leaving just like that, very irresponsible i know, but needed, i setill want my rights, and i feel that she should be okay by now...i know she may have less friends, but i will still be there, only as a friend, as an ordinary person...i am very frank, and i will always be...
as for the sq problem, she gets caustic too, when she sees me...i dont want to care any more, i want to put it all behind me...and if she ever reads this...i want to move on, i dont want to give bad impression, i just want to lead a life of my own now, i wont bother any more...
to kelly...you made my life change, 360 degrees, from a wild person, i changed...completely...new person...i have to leave now...leave, dont find me please....dont find me...
i take my leave...i need to cry?
funny, i typed faster than i ever had in my life... strange!
i weep i cry
for myself?
no one heres, broken heart...
cant heal, no time...
move on, but theres time...
stay on, but there is no love...
i lost all hopes,
all pride,
all honor.
at what price?
paid was that price...
done was that ritual of old,
i just cannot
believe that i still
live on...
i leave now, partake whatever i want.
see the last, breathe the air,
once more...
the gates close, i move on,
s whisper the good-bye,
and cry in my heart...
so much is a seraph...
i look in the skys, the gods
stare at me.
i seek help
seek to return to bask
in their light,
once again...
they take me in,
with open hands.
i feel warm,
true love, concern,
for there is where,
i am truely cared for...
as a protector...i was cared for
for if i were not there,
they would not live.
the word will die,
the halls will burn,
thsu is my task, my
true and only task...
i look back, once again,
ask myself,
had the life been good?
yes, no? maybe...
but i will take my chances...
i smile, wipe off the tears...
i move on...into the bright light...
no more turning back....i guess...i loved my life, it will go now...now to undertake larger tasks, before i come bak to the more subtle aspects of life...
crying helps... and i look foward to a new tomorrow...hopefully, with new things...new light...new pursuits, new joy, new sorrow...all part of a new life!
light my way ♥
